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Erap (Estrada) Witze / Jokes

Teil 2 / PART 2

Erap has Brain Cancer

ERAP: "I have a brain cancer. Yehey!!!"

Ramos: "That's delicate, how come you're still happy?"

ERAP: "Now I know I have a brain!"

NPA Commander Surrenders

ERAP was accepting the surrender of an NPA unit Kummander:

ERAP: So you are the kummander?

KUMMANDER: yes, I am.

ERAP: So what does your comrades call you?


ERAP: What kind? .38 or .45?

Fax from Malacanang

Teacher: Erap, all your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

Erap: Oral.

Another Fax from Malacanang

Person A: I just got a fax from Malacanang and it's even Erap himself who sent it.

Person B: How can you be so sure it was him

Person A: Look here: There's a stamp on it...

Erap in Pizza Parlor

Six or Eight?

Erap calls into a take-out pizza parlor. Pizza man: Would you like your pizza sliced into six or eight? Erap: Six, I don't think I could eat eight.

When Erap Got Drunk

Erap was at a black tie party along with Reli German who supplied him with a constant flow of Blue Label. All the gentlemen came in black jackets, white shirts and black ties and the ladies in black gowns.

Erap thought it was a boring party so he kept drinking his Blue Label to get him through the night. Then he saw a lady in a white gown. "Reli, that's the lady I like," Erap said. "She is a non-conformist and a rebel. I think I will ask her to dance." "Madam, would you care to dance with the President of the Republic?" Erap asked.

The lady replied, "No, and I will give you 3 reasons why. Reason No. 1, I don't know how to dance." "That's a legitimate reason," Erap remarked.

"Reason No. 2, you are drunk," the lady continued. "That's your opinion," Erap said.

"Reason No. 3, I am Cardinal Sin."

Erap was trying to get in touch with his son, Jinggoy, so he decided to page him.

He dialled '141 - 777777' and an operator answered, " Hello, pager number 777777, sender's name please..." Erap answered " Ahh... ERAP." The operator continued, " Message please." Erap said, " Ahhh... Jinggoy, this is your father. Your beeper is with me."

Philippine Condoms

President Clinton called President Estrada of the Philippines with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the American President cried. "My people's favorite form of birth control! This is a national disaster!"

"Bill, the Filipino people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied Estrada. "I do need your help," said Bill. "Could you possibly send 100,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"

"Why certainly! I'll get right on it!" said Estrada. "Oh, and one more small favor, please?" aid Bill.

"Yes?" said Estrada.

Showing off, Bill said,"Could the condoms be red, white and blue in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?"

"No problem," replied Estrada, with that, Estrada hung up and called the owner of Philippine Prophilactic.

"I need a favor, you've got to make 100,000,000 condoms right away and send them to the White House." "Consider it done Mr. President," said the owner of Philippine Prophilactics. "Great! Now listen, they have to be red, white and blue in color, 10" long and 4" wide." "Easily done. Anything else?" "Yeah," said Estrada, "on each one, print 'MADE IN THE PHILIPPINES, SIZE- SMALL' ."

Erap at the 96 Olympics

Scenario: Olympic Stadium, Atlanta 1996 Olympics, SenatorsMaceda, Speaker de Venecia, and ERAP were at the main entrance to the Stadium and arguing loudly with the white security guard who refused them entry.

Senator Maceda: "But you don't understand, we are important politicians from the Philippines and we would like to see our delegation to give moral support"

Guard: "I'm so sorry but only athletes can enter through this gate. And besides, you don't have any tickets to enter the Stadium. You must first buy your tickets and enter through the other gate."

Palibhasa puro kuripot kahit maraming pork barrel, the scene continues:

Senator Maceda (most intelligent): "Alam ko na mga pare kungpaano tayo lulusot!! Hintayin nyo lang ako dito......". And he goes tothe men's room and gets a floor mop, discards the cotton mop and returns to the gate with just the wooden pole.

Guard to Maceda: "Excuse me sir, where are you going? Are you an athlete?"

Maceda, showing the long wooden pole: "I'm with the JAVELIN team," and the guard allows him inside the gate.

Speaker De Venecia and ERAP are both surprised at this bright idea and De Venecia starts to move quickly to the parking lot of the stadium and gets a hubcap from one of the parked cars.

De Venecia to Guard: "Well, I hope I'm not late, I'm with the DISCUS team"... and succeed in getting into the gate and leaving ERAP all alone.

ERAP to himself: "Akala nila sila lang ang may utak... tekanga at makapunta sa Hardware Store doon sa tapat".....

Guard to ERAP upon his return: "Excuse me sir, why are youcarrying so many rolls of chicken wire on your shoulders? The maintenance dooris on the other side..."

ERAP (proudly): "Can't you see I'm an athlete? I'm with the FENCING team"

Erap and the World Wide Web

One day, isang araw, Erap notices people were signing up for a free seminar about the WWW. Erap says: "It's really nice to see so many people interested in history. But, there should be another seminar where our country was more involved." His bodyguard says: "What do you mean, sir?" Erap explains: "I mean there should also be a seminar about WWT....

not only world war wan..... but also world war two."

Erap Headlines

Now is a good time to set up an airline company to pick up the slack from PAL. I heard Joseph Estrada will try it and name the new company ERAPLANO.



July 1 is the first day of office of President Erap. And starting from this date, telling erap jokes will be considered a crime. However, live performances will be available everyday in Malacanang.


Cardinal Sin is accepting ERAP to be the new president because he found ERAP very close to the Lord. Gambling Lord, Drug Lord, Carnapping Lord , etc....


Erap is a little bit confused on what surname to use. Estrada or Ejercito so he asked his presidential advisers. and they all suggested " Sir, toss coin na lang ". and Erap happily agreed. He now told everyone to start calling him President Joseph Tosscoin.


Reporter asking President Erap ?

Sir, it is clear that Senator Gloria Macapagal will be your Vice President. what are your plans for her ? ERAP: Nothing, because I don't get involved with married women.

Firing Squad

Well, it seems that these three fellows, FVR, Cory and Erap, are about to be executed in front of a firing squad by the NPAs. As the final hour approaches, each one of them is trying to think of a way to escape this inevitable doom.

The time comes for the execution and FVR is brought first in front of the firing squad. As the blindfold is being tied around his head, he decides that he will attempt his escape by diverting the attention of his executioners at the final moment, and then running away. The officer in charge of the executions starts his countdown: "10, 9, 8,.....".

Just before the officer reaches "1", FVR shouts, " F L O O D !!". Startled, all of the gunmen look up from their rifles and turn around searching for the onrush of water. In all of this confusion, the FVR manages to take off his blindfold and run away. By the time the executioners are aware of what happened, FVR has made his way deep into the woods.

Cory is called on next to appear before the squad. Seeing FVR's success, she decides to attempt a similar escape. She knows, though, that her executioners will not fall for the 'flood' trick again. Instead, she decides to use another natural disaster. The officer in charge of the executions starts his countdown: "10, 9, 8, .....". Just before the officer reaches "1",

Cory shouts, " T O R N A D O !!". Startled, all of the gunmen look up from their rifles and turn around searching for the onrush of wind. In all of the confusion, the Cory manages to take off her blindfold and run away. By the time the executioners are aware of what happened, Cory has made her way deep into the woods.

Erap is called on next to appear before the squad. Seeing his predecessor's successes, Erap decides to attempt a similar

escape. He knows, though, that his executioners will not fall for the 'flood' or the 'hurricane' tricks again. Instead, he decides to use another natural disaster. The officer in charge of the executions starts his countdown:

"10, 9, 8, .....". Just before the officer reaches "1", Erap shouts, " F I R E !!...".

Erap and Miriam

The most intelligent "presidentiable", Miriam Santiago, has challenged the least intelligent presidentiable to a televised debate.

To make things interesting, Miriam says that every time she asks Erap a question which he cannot answer, Erap has to pay Miriam five pesos. BUT if Erap asks Miriam a question which she cannot answer, Miriam has to giveErap five thousand pesos.

Miriam asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Erap doesn't say a word, reaches for his wallet, pulls out a five-peso bill and hands it to Miriam.

Now, it's his turn. He asks Miriam: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" Miriam looks at him with a puzzled look.

She whips out her laptop computer and searches all her references. She taps into the phone with her modem and searches the Net. Frustrated, she sends E-mails to all her aides, assistants, and friends. All to no avail.

After over an hour, she admits defeat and hands Erap five 1000-peso bills. Erap says nothing, but politely accepts the Ps5,000 and turns away to go home.

Miriam is a poor sport and demands from Erap, "Well, so what IS the answer!?"

Without a word, Erap pulls out his wallet and gives Miriam another five pesos....

Teil I in der Oktober Ausgabe/Part I in the October edition

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