Erap has Brain Cancer
ERAP: "I have a brain cancer. Yehey!!!"
Ramos: "That's delicate, how come you're still happy?"
ERAP: "Now I know I have a brain!"
NPA Commander Surrenders
ERAP was accepting the surrender of an NPA unit Kummander:
ERAP: So you are the kummander?
KUMMANDER: yes, I am.
ERAP: So what does your comrades call you?
KUMMANDER: Ka Liber
ERAP: What kind? .38 or .45?
Fax from Malacanang
Teacher: Erap, all your responses must be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
Another Fax from Malacanang
Person A: I just got a fax from Malacanang and it's
even Erap himself who sent it.
Person B: How can you be so sure it was him
Person A: Look here: There's a stamp on it...
Erap in Pizza Parlor
Six or Eight?
Erap calls into a take-out pizza parlor. Pizza man:
Would you like your pizza sliced into six or eight? Erap: Six, I
don't think I could eat eight.
When Erap Got Drunk
Erap was at a black tie party along with Reli
German who supplied him with a constant flow of Blue Label. All the
gentlemen came in black jackets, white shirts and black ties and the
ladies in black gowns.
Erap thought it was a boring party so he kept
drinking his Blue Label to get him through the night. Then he saw a
lady in a white gown. "Reli, that's the lady I like," Erap
said. "She is a non-conformist and a rebel. I think I will ask
her to dance." "Madam, would you care to dance with the
President of the Republic?" Erap asked.
The lady replied, "No, and I will give you 3
reasons why. Reason No. 1, I don't know how to dance."
"That's a legitimate reason," Erap remarked.
"Reason No. 2, you are drunk," the lady
continued. "That's your opinion," Erap said.
"Reason No. 3, I am Cardinal Sin."
Erap was trying to get in touch with his son, Jinggoy, so he
decided to page him.
He dialled '141 - 777777' and an operator answered,
" Hello, pager number 777777, sender's name please..." Erap
answered " Ahh... ERAP." The operator continued, "
Message please." Erap said, " Ahhh... Jinggoy, this is your
father. Your beeper is with me."
President Clinton called President Estrada of the
Philippines with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has
exploded!" the American President cried. "My people's
favorite form of birth control! This is a national disaster!"
"Bill, the Filipino people would be happy to
do anything within their power to help you," replied Estrada.
"I do need your help," said Bill. "Could you possibly
send 100,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"
"Why certainly! I'll get right on it!"
said Estrada. "Oh, and one more small favor, please?" aid Bill.
"Yes?" said Estrada.
Showing off, Bill said,"Could the condoms be
red, white and blue in color and at least 10" long and 4"
"No problem," replied Estrada, with that,
Estrada hung up and called the owner of Philippine Prophilactic.
"I need a favor, you've got to make
100,000,000 condoms right away and send them to the White House."
"Consider it done Mr. President," said the owner of
Philippine Prophilactics. "Great! Now listen, they have to be
red, white and blue in color, 10" long and 4" wide."
"Easily done. Anything else?" "Yeah," said
Estrada, "on each one, print 'MADE IN THE PHILIPPINES, SIZE-
Erap at the 96 Olympics
Scenario: Olympic Stadium, Atlanta 1996 Olympics,
SenatorsMaceda, Speaker de Venecia, and ERAP were at the main
entrance to the Stadium and arguing loudly with the white security
guard who refused them entry.
Senator Maceda: "But you don't understand, we
are important politicians from the Philippines and we would like to
see our delegation to give moral support"
Guard: "I'm so sorry but only athletes can
enter through this gate. And besides, you don't have any tickets to
enter the Stadium. You must first buy your tickets and enter through
the other gate."
Palibhasa puro kuripot kahit maraming pork barrel,
the scene continues:
Senator Maceda (most intelligent): "Alam ko na
mga pare kungpaano tayo lulusot!! Hintayin nyo lang ako
dito......". And he goes tothe men's room and gets a floor mop,
discards the cotton mop and returns to the gate with just the wooden pole.
Guard to Maceda: "Excuse me sir, where are you
going? Are you an athlete?"
Maceda, showing the long wooden pole: "I'm
with the JAVELIN team," and the guard allows him inside the gate.
Speaker De Venecia and ERAP are both surprised at
this bright idea and De Venecia starts to move quickly to the parking
lot of the stadium and gets a hubcap from one of the parked cars.
De Venecia to Guard: "Well, I hope I'm not
late, I'm with the DISCUS team"... and succeed in getting into
the gate and leaving ERAP all alone.
ERAP to himself: "Akala nila sila lang ang may
utak... tekanga at makapunta sa Hardware Store doon sa tapat".....
Guard to ERAP upon his return: "Excuse me sir,
why are youcarrying so many rolls of chicken wire on your shoulders?
The maintenance dooris on the other side..."
ERAP (proudly): "Can't you see I'm an athlete?
I'm with the FENCING team"
Erap and the World Wide Web
One day, isang araw, Erap notices people were
signing up for a free seminar about the WWW. Erap says: "It's
really nice to see so many people interested in history. But, there
should be another seminar where our country was more involved."
His bodyguard says: "What do you mean, sir?" Erap explains:
"I mean there should also be a seminar about WWT....
not only world war wan..... but also world war two."
Now is a good time to set up an airline company to
pick up the slack from PAL. I heard Joseph Estrada will try it and
name the new company ERAPLANO.
July 1 is the first day of office of President
Erap. And starting from this date, telling erap jokes will be
considered a crime. However, live performances will be available
everyday in Malacanang.
Cardinal Sin is accepting ERAP to be the new
president because he found ERAP very close to the Lord. Gambling
Lord, Drug Lord, Carnapping Lord , etc....
Erap is a little bit confused on what surname to
use. Estrada or Ejercito so he asked his presidential advisers. and
they all suggested " Sir, toss coin na lang ". and Erap
happily agreed. He now told everyone to start calling him President
Reporter asking President Erap ?
Sir, it is clear that Senator Gloria Macapagal will
be your Vice President. what are your plans for her ? ERAP: Nothing,
because I don't get involved with married women.
Well, it seems that these three fellows, FVR, Cory
and Erap, are about to be executed in front of a firing squad by the
NPAs. As the final hour approaches, each one of them is trying to
think of a way to escape this inevitable doom.
The time comes for the execution and FVR is brought
first in front of the firing squad. As the blindfold is being tied
around his head, he decides that he will attempt his escape by
diverting the attention of his executioners at the final moment, and
then running away. The officer in charge of the executions starts his
countdown: "10, 9, 8,.....".
Just before the officer reaches "1", FVR
shouts, " F L O O D !!". Startled, all of the gunmen look
up from their rifles and turn around searching for the onrush of
water. In all of this confusion, the FVR manages to take off his
blindfold and run away. By the time the executioners are aware of
what happened, FVR has made his way deep into the woods.
Cory is called on next to appear before the squad.
Seeing FVR's success, she decides to attempt a similar escape. She
knows, though, that her executioners will not fall for the 'flood'
trick again. Instead, she decides to use another natural disaster.
The officer in charge of the executions starts his countdown:
"10, 9, 8, .....". Just before the officer reaches "1",
Cory shouts, " T O R N A D O !!".
Startled, all of the gunmen look up from their rifles and turn around
searching for the onrush of wind. In all of the confusion, the Cory
manages to take off her blindfold and run away. By the time the
executioners are aware of what happened, Cory has made her way deep
into the woods.
Erap is called on next to appear before the squad.
Seeing his predecessor's successes, Erap decides to attempt a similar
escape. He knows, though, that his executioners
will not fall for the 'flood' or the 'hurricane' tricks again.
Instead, he decides to use another natural disaster. The officer in
charge of the executions starts his countdown:
"10, 9, 8, .....". Just before the
officer reaches "1", Erap shouts, " F I R E !!...".
Erap and Miriam
The most intelligent "presidentiable",
Miriam Santiago, has challenged the least intelligent presidentiable
to a televised debate.
To make things interesting, Miriam says that every
time she asks Erap a question which he cannot answer, Erap has to pay
Miriam five pesos. BUT if Erap asks Miriam a question which she
cannot answer, Miriam has to giveErap five thousand pesos.
Miriam asks the first question: "What's the
distance from the earth to the moon?" Erap doesn't say a word,
reaches for his wallet, pulls out a five-peso bill and hands it to Miriam.
Now, it's his turn. He asks Miriam: "What goes
up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" Miriam
looks at him with a puzzled look.
She whips out her laptop computer and searches all
her references. She taps into the phone with her modem and searches
the Net. Frustrated, she sends E-mails to all her aides, assistants,
and friends. All to no avail.
After over an hour, she admits defeat and hands
Erap five 1000-peso bills. Erap says nothing, but politely accepts
the Ps5,000 and turns away to go home.
Miriam is a poor sport and demands from Erap,
"Well, so what IS the answer!?"
Without a word, Erap pulls out his wallet and gives
Miriam another five pesos....